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Oct
26

Alternate States of Being: abiding in grace

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who has promised is faithful. ~ Hebrews 10:23 (niv)

IMG_2276I have been offered the unprovoked opinions of others as to why such a tragedy would occur in my life. One expressed notion is that I am being punished for past sins. I disagree. Through this adversity, God has provided me a true understanding of who I am and of Who He is as well as who I am in Him and that He changes not no matter how altered my life has become. He has extracted an honest picture of myself while captivating me with the reality of who He has always been and will forever be. He is not a condemning or a punishing God, but One of conviction. He is not a part-time God nor is He a selective God. He is an equal opportunity God. He is an existent perfection that seeks intimate friendship. In Him, I find the only truth that matters. He is a perfect parent who loves me how I need to be loved, not necessarily how I want to be loved. And I have learned He wants the same thing any parent wants from their child – their love, their respect, their obedience.

IMG_2273My salvation did not provide me spiritual maturity. Maturity is gained through the refinement of faith which leads to purity of spirit.  It allows God to transform me into what I was meant to be instead of what I am trying to become. All my life I had refused to submit to God’s will and demanded He submit to mine. A platform had to be built where God could create and mold me into His own creation – a working instrument to carry out the will He has for my life. It was imperative that He bring me to a point where I could only focus on Him and not the world around me. It was crucial to my healing that I recognize the relevance and significance of God’s presence, authority, and omnipotence in my life. It was absolute that I exist in the ambience of His worth so that I might understand mine. And now, God has become Someone who I can hear.

IMG_2269In my life, I can honestly say that I have walked through some difficult places, but none have been as dark as the grief borne of buried children brings. I have learned that true grief is private. It can not be shared or explained or hurried. Each day brings new grief and I find what others take for granted are secret desires left to burn in my heart. There are times I am paralyzed with disbelief.  In those time, I can not breathe, can not move; my mind shuts down incapable of functioning for a moment and in that moment I live infinitely. Desperation resuscitates me. I emerge hysterical, pleading, begging God for a reversal of events. Whatever the price. This desperation fills me with unexplainable urges such as jumping from moving cars and it takes real effort to resist leaving me wholly exhausted.  To me, there is but one explanation ~ In my mind, the possibility of the reality that such an event could have occurred in my life is so surreally unfathomable, so definably unreal that it trips me up at unexpected times. Then, there it is. That state of disbelief – an arrow to the heart piercing me straight through rendering me incapable of ever escaping these alternate states of being.

IMG_2268It is the existent mentality and irrational fear that one of us could die in the next day, next hour, next minute – at any moment. In accompaniment, is an attitude of “so what?” that skews my thoughts and the average daily tasks of laundry and algebra II and finances become very unimportant breeding an indifference within separating me from the rest of the world. In the midst, the realization is ever-present that time never stops; the world still spins no matter the catastrophic events that might be unfolding amongst the keepers and inhabitants therein. In the end, guilt-driven, I desire to make the irreversible, reversible. But I can not and God will not. The truth for me encompasses a definitive meaning of bittersweet: I was fortunate to survive, but two of my children died. Dark whispers rise up from deep recesses when I am happy and scathe, “How can you not be devastated?” Yet to waste time on self-pity seems ungrateful and a survivor’s guilt should never force an apology for a gift of life. The trick is not to get caught in all the chaos the enemy creates, to solely rely on God to see you through each moment. It is then, that His faithfulness is revealed.

IMG_2279And it is in those moments of witnessed faithfulness that I know I will make it through. I will not drown in sorrow. I will not be driven mad by fear of unknown events. I will not be left to become lost in a maze of my own perpetual acts of helplessness. It is in every moment of God’s reaffirmed faithfulness to me that I know I will truly survive to live the life He has given me to live.

This is the fifth and final blog in this series housed under the Testimony category.

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One Response to “Alternate States of Being: abiding in grace”

  1. Beautifully spoken, Elizabeth. Grieving is, indeed, private and many times a solitary, unfolding kind of thing. Perhaps God will give you a new lens through which to see His act of taking the little ones to Himself, while giving you a journey to discover more of Him one on one till you see in full what your little ones see now. May your heart be protected from all the myopic impulses which can rob you of the rapture and treasures of God’s perfect vision for you on this extraordinary journey. “The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.” Psalm 138.8

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